My Friend, the Scale...

I didn’t go weigh in this week. I’m too afraid of what I’ll see. Well, I’m not afraid, but don’t want to feel like a failure when I see the results. I know I didn’t follow my plan. Therefore, the results will show just that. I guess if I don’t see the actual number, then it isn’t real. Silly, huh? Yes, but honest!

My resolution: I have to kick butt this weekend to minimize damage when I weigh in Monday evening. I’m getting up now and go work out. I figure if I can get back on track today and throw in 3 workouts today, tomorrow and Monday, I should be able to make a difference on the scale. Besides that, I need to turn up the drive and get some momentum going.

We’ll see what Monday brings. ~fingers crossed~

My Footprint?!?

Whew! I made it through this long week. Saturday was the funeral services of my Friend. He was so loved. There was standing room only at the church. It made me take a look at the footprint I’ll be leaving behind. There’s much work to be done. I’d better get started.

Definitely Comfort

Since the news of my friend’s death, I’ve definitely been struggling with my eating. The(emotional) part of me just wants the comfort and reliability/stability of eating the foods that make me happy, if only for that moment. The other (sensible) part of me believes that saying, “one moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips”, is oh so true.

I’d come up with a compromise that I thought I could live with for now. I could give in to one of the temptations, say a slice of cake, and the next 2 days I had to follow a perfect food plan with an extra exercise session, no exceptions. Well, that sounded good in my head, but I know now I am not strong enough to turn the brakes off and on like that. It’s all or nothing. The urges are so overwhelming. I wanted to stuff those feelings waaaayyy down up under some fried chicken, cake, cookies, chips, and rice. It’s too late now, I’ve done the damage and now I deal with the guilt, shame, and remorse from committing the crime.

Sometimes, trying to recover from letting myself down, is difficult I just want to give up. But I still believe that I can overcome this pattern.

Tomorrow is another day.

Goodbye, My Friend...

Yesterday, my hairdresser and dear friend, Pat, lost her husband. He died in his sleep. Ironic thing is I was at their house getting my hair done downstairs, while he was lying dead in the bed upstairs. We chatted while she finished with everyone's hair. We made plans to go to the Obama inauguration party on Tuesday evening, she and Randy, me and Mike. When I left, I noticed Randy’s truck was still in the driveway and we hadn’t heard a sound from upstairs all morning. He’s usually up and about and he comes downstairs to speak to us girls before leaving the house. Not today.

About an hour after I got home, I received a call from my friend. She sounded so hurt and weak. I knew something was wrong. She handed the phone to her son who informed me of Randy’s passing. I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think of was the pain my friend must be feeling. I was numb. Next thing I knew, I was speeding down the parkway to get to Pat’s house as fast as I could. Not knowing what to say or do, but knowing she must have been devastated and wanting to provide comfort in some way, any way.

I cannot imagine my life without my best friend and soul mate. Suddenly you become so aware of how precious life is and how things can change in a blink of an eye. We take for granted that our family and friends are going to be here tomorrow. Be good to yourself and your loved ones. Remember to take time to tell them how much they mean to you and that you love them.

I’m sorry for my friend’s loss but am comforted with the knowledge that God will take care of both of them, on earth and in heaven. Goodbye, my friend, Randy. I love you and will miss you dearly!

Hunger or Comfort?!?

Another week down. I’d be lying if I said it was easier this week. I struggled just as much as I did last week. I did, however, pay more attention to what I ate this week. I tried journaling everything that went into my mouth, examining every feeling that went with each morsel of food, and upholding my vow to stay away from my binge foods. The whole cheating thing is about me sabotaging my success at achieving my goal. I am an emotional eater. I don’t allow myself to feel loneliness, hurt, disappointment, shame, and/or frustration, whatever it may be. My favorite foods are there to fill in the blanks. I get it.

This week I’ve confronted some feelings that I didn’t even recognize. Difference is this time, I’m allowing myself to feel those feelings. I literally have an argument with my angel and that demon inside me for power. So far, my angel has overcome the feeling to stuff my mouth for immediate comfort. Realizing, that that comfort has brought me to where I am now.

This was a great week!

Falling in love again...

Until recently, I’ve had such a hard time just looking in the mirror. In my mind, that reflection was not what I looked like. I didn't even recognize the lady staring back at me. I couldn't accept that person. I also didn't want my picture taken so that there was no evidence that the "mirror lady" was really me.

I've struggled with this my whole life. I've begun to look at her to understand her pain. She is still beautiful just the way she is. Damn, it feels good getting to know the lady in the reflection, the person, inside and out. I think I'm falling in love with the "mirror lady".♥♥

Finally, I Can SEE it.....

Have you ever wanted something so badly, you could actually "see or taste" it?

That's how I feel right now. I envision myself playing on the beaches of Jamaica, rolling around on the floor with my grandsons, walking to check out every store in the Great Mall, and all that goes along with being fit and healthy. I am so ready to be over this unhealthy me.

I’ve started this “journey” several times. I begin strong but get off track after a few months. I’ve tried Weight Watchers (twice), Adkins, and a multitude of different sure-fire diets that only fizzle out after I get bored with the restrictions and all the work that goes with “staying on track”.

So you might wonder, what makes this time different from any of the other attempts. I honestly can’t give you a straight answer. I do know that with each attempt, I’ve learned something about what makes me tick. I keep unraveling the puzzle. I can say that this time I feel like I’ve gotten to know myself a lot more. I’ve worked on the inner me to address the outer me, if that makes sense. That’s the difference this time. My success depends on how well I know myself. I’ve had to figure out how to love myself. I know I am my worst enemy. I sabotage my efforts when things get difficult. No more. I’ve thrown down the gauntlet and surrender to finding that healthy me. This is the fight for my life. Knowing that has given me such strength. I know this time will be forever.

First Week is Over

Okay, so it's been a little more than a week of this new journey.

I’ve found myself reaching for things that are not allowed. Then, almost like magic, a little Angel asks:

“Will you be satisfied with yourself for giving in to temptation? You've given up so much this week to get to this point, do you want to throw it all away with that? Just go grab a piece of gum to chew and be happy”.

I am so grateful for my Angel. She really gets what I’m trying to accomplish. I pray she hangs around for a long time to keep me in line. I feel so empowered.

Each day brings about new challenges. Bring 'em on, ‘cuz I’m ready!

Hit the Ground Running.....

I'm ready to kick some butt in 2009! That's my theme for the New Year.

Continuing the task of self discovery is the first wrung on the ladder. I have only begun to unravel the many layers of my psyche.

So far, I discovered that I have a issue with confrontation. Yeah, I didn't see that one right away. But it's so true. Knowing this has awakened a different side of me.

I try to stay present in the moment and not slip back in old habits. I love this new revelation. I challenge myself, each time I feel uneasy with a subject, to not squash or let it go till later, but to lay it out on the table right away. I ask those difficult questions or say what I really think. Keeps from having to fill up my mind's hard drive with things I need to deal with. I tell you, things were really getting cluttered in there.

It's definitely liberating. Awesome feeling......